Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.