Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
You Might Also Like
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
When I said I liked it rough.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*