[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.