My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
こいつ天才
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees