Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Thoughts
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me too door. Me too.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.