[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My kid can鈥檛 see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Your friends will stand by you even when you鈥檙e at your worst because people are stupid
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I鈥檓 not sure strep throat is THAT bad
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn鈥檛 even close to five seconds鈥ou can still eat that
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it鈥檚 like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 馃幎 Don’t you forget about me 馃幎
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it鈥檚 the one i was born on
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Reasons I鈥檓 like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
favorite tropes as memes
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here