[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶