All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
🤣🤣
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.