For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me checking my bank balance online.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”