I have a place for everything. The floor.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards