Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Strange
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Sing it!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.