[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time