Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
and now we wait
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
And that about sums it up.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Home is where your toilet is.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”