I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)