My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Yup!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’