You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are