Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”