America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
not to brag, but mine was free
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.