Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Why am I like this?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.