In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Shoo shoo! 😂
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.