Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
You Might Also Like
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.