I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Good news
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Not helping
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.