You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
estão todos miauvindo?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.