A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad