If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.