Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Plant care tips
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
me
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?