Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks