I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*