If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
❤️🦆
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice