Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.