Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…ππ€£πππ
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
kidnapper: if u donβt eat this salad weβll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, sheβs LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
π€£
My mom: why didnβt you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any βlucky menβ in my life. My boyfriendβs life is miserable
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Taliband
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[date]
Her: Iβm a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Heyβ¦thatβs not the wallet inspector
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. IβM VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved