My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Every haunted house movie:
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?