we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
You Might Also Like
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to