The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.