I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.