Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Seems legit
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back