Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My typo game is string.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?