I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.