i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine