a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.