When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
☺️
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body