My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.