“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
choose your fighter
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.