*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.