You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!