Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
boat question
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman