Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
#Caturday
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
love it when they get my name right
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s