No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Livid.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
kitchen magnet
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies