driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.