Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too